Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Lonely Soul

Yes, I must have been a lonely soul in my past lives.

Maybe I was an only child. Growing up around grown-ups too busy to spare five minutes, a hug or a kiss. My only playmates were myself, and my imagination. As I walked the path of life, there was nobody to share my happiness, and everybody was too busy to offer comfort when I was down. Long was my shadow. Alone.

Or perhaps, I was a fugitive in a hostile world, where a wrong word at a wrong time to a wrong person could lead to a wrong end. My distance from others was my protection; my silence, my defense. Every face was greeted with cynicism. At no times, I could let my guard down to let anybody get close, and nobody would let me get close to them. Caution, was my only companion.

Or it could be that I was a lone survivor of an extinct tribe. Living in a foreign land where no one knew my language. The only purpose of my mother tongue was to converse with myself in my mind. Never out loud.

Or perhaps I was Robinson Crusoe in my previous life. Deserted.

Yes indeed, I must have been a lonely soul in my past lives. I like to smile.

Every face I meet, with a smile I will greet. A smile, triggered not by calls of courtesy or etiquette, constructed not by forceful twitching of facial mechanism, drawn by no conscious effort, but sprouts from a seed buried within me. When the seed is watered by radiance emanating from the company of another being, it grows. It blossoms into a smile beaming with happiness, just as when a void is finally filled, a thirst finally quenched, or a yearning satisfied at last. Joy.

Yes, I like to smile.

But, due to perhaps the heavier burden of life, or the fatigue brought by it, I feel the seed is buried deeper and deeper within me, and further and further apart, its blossoms scatter. Tired. Maybe.

Yet, I like to smile. Still.



Insanely Chay is.... said...

Hmmm I never really thought of what I could have been in my past life but now that I think about it I might have been a nun. A virgin one at that and history is repeating itself hehehehe.Not about the nun part.I'm having a mini vacation right now.

BK said...

Perhaps, it is not the seed that has been buried deeper and deeper. Perhaps, it is because the seed has not received the water and the nutrients that are needed for it to grow.

Barrier Island Girl said...

Ahhh, so like actual 'only' child, lonely except for my books and imagination. I moved to a barrier island a few years ago, smile at everyone with complete happiness, and have found myself at last!

Be happy!


Buzzing J said...

Insanely Chay:
Really ... That's interesting. Very ...

Not really. Smiles used to appear pretty readily, naturally, and from the heart too when I met with others, not just friends, even acquaintances or strangers. But when the mind is being preoccupied with problems, in the same situation (with the same water and nutrients), it actually required a jolt to get the face to smile. Where it once came readily and naturally, at times, the face feels kind of numb, when the mind is a bit heavy.

Barrier Island Girl:
Good for you. Stay happy. Smile.

Monica said...

this feeling is experienced by everybody at one time or other in some measures... well, do your best to attain a happy state of mind! :-)

Mrs4444 said...

Me, too :) It's like poison ivy, but in a good way, because when you smile at others, they usually smile back.

Buzzing J said...

Thanks. But I guess that's the unbearable heaviness of growing up ... But I'll keep on smiling, don't worry.

Yeah, I guess I have rarely encounter an experience where my smile was not reciprocated.


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