The Void Within

The night was late, the street deserted. The air was cool, the sky pitch dark. Tall buildings surrounded her, hiding the moon. The traffic light was red, her face void of emotion.

With her hands casually on the wheel, she was staring blankly at the front. Her hollow gaze reflected her hollow mind. She looked at the red light, couldn't care less if it never changed. Yet, despite her indifference, the red made way for the green, hurrying her on. Without much of a thought, she lifted her foot off the brake and gently put it down on the accelerator. Mechanically. Much like how she got through her days recently.

For more than a year now, she had realised she had been going through the same set of daily routines without much of a ripple in her heart. It certainly wasn't like this when she started working in this big city.

Even after the initial exciting buzzes fizzled out within a few months, she still found herself enjoying the experiences of working in a big city - stylish office wear, walking on streets covered by a sea of hurrying strangers, mirrored lift to 15th floor office, personal cubicles, mega shopping mall, pizza joints that's not named Pizzahut, hangouts at Starbucks, Coffee Bean, and other big city glitters. Problems arose when she got the hang of her job and put herself one-hundred-and-one-percent into her job, as she only knew how.

"Hey, I know what you did! Next time, mind your own fucking business!" her colleague walked past her cubicle and dropped her a nasty remark with an angry stare and a livid finger.

"That's one angry bitch!" looking at the back of her colleague walking away, she murmured to herself, neither in an angry tone nor an apprehensive pitch.

The hostile remark didn't bother her, at all. She had mastered the skill to shield off such offensive attacks over the last year so perfectly, her heart barely beat any differently upon such provocation. But she had never learned how to let a mistake pass her without doing something about it. And such attitude had caused her much anxiety at her job and lost a few colleague friends. At first, she was upset about it, in tears even. Then she decided once and for all to side with her principle and learned how to deal with the consequences.

However callous she thought she had become towards such provocation, her mind would remind her otherwise by popping up the unpleasant scene occasionally as she was driving home from work.

She enjoyed the drive home at this time of the night. With the windows down, cool air brushing her hair, and no traffic in her way, she was able to clear up all the frustration built up during the day with the smooth drive. The ability to control her speed and direction with the slightest movement of her feet and hands gave her a sense of control, which she felt sorely lacking at times. She was seemingly able to clear her mind of any negative thoughts and regain her sense of tranquility. The empty street that was jam-packed with vehicles during the day gave her a much-needed sense of space. And it was the same sense of desired space, or the lack of it, that led her to leave her hometown two years ago.

"I want to try something different", "All my friends have left to work in the city", "I'm so bored here", "I feel trapped", "I want changes", "I want more than this", "I'm so unhappy" - with the last few remarks, her parents finally yielded to their daughter's desire. And that's how she left the town in which she had lived for twenty years and started a life in the city as an OL - Office Lady.

She had never regretted that decision two years ago. She is not one who looks back whenever she goes through a rough patch; although she's not jumping with joy at the moment either. She didn't mind all that much of the shoulders turned against her because of her way of going about her job. She's not happy about it, but she wasn't perturbed by it. But no matter how she tried, she could never let the emptiness within her pass.

Praises from her superiors and appreciation from her colleagues could not fill the void within her. An emptiness she was made aware of lately. She felt no satisfaction from her job. She couldn't feel the fruits of her work; she wanted to touch the products of her creativity, like when she used to help out in her parent's bakeries.

She was good at the bakeries. She loved the bakeries, of the smell of fresh flour, butter, eggs, chocolate, cinnamon, and the freshly baked cookies, bread and pastries. The magic of transforming these raw materials into something so alluring to the nose, the taste buds and the eyes had always managed to capture her imagination. The satisfaction that came from opening the oven door - the aroma that escaped the oven and filled the room, the tantalizing golden brown on the oven tray - could have made her stay all day in the bakeries. And there's nothing more satisfying than the positive feedback from the patrons. But that wasn't enough to keep her in the bakeries at that time.

When she stopped at the next red traffic light, she finally lifted her eyes from the road ahead. She turned towards the sky. It's been a while since she had the moon in her mind. And despite the surrounding tall buildings, the moon was able to smile at her at that particular spot. And it's a full moon too. Her heart was truly at peace now, perhaps due to her being able to release the bottled up weariness, or perhaps she knew she was finally on the verge of taking a step forward at a crossroad that she had long stood.

She was lost in the serenity of the moon. And she would have stayed lost in it too, but for the honk from a passing car. She turned towards the traffic light. It was already turning yellow from the green.

She couldn't care less though. She's more than willing to wait for another green light at that spot. She was smiling, the suddenness of the honk had managed to push her another step forward.

~

"Bea, I think you've done it again. This is de...licious!" an elderly woman bursts out with her mouth nibbling.

"Really? Thank you, Mrs Lee. You don't think it's too sweet?" she asks, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand, as she put down a tray of freshly baked cookies on the counter.

"No. Not at all! Perfect!" the woman replies, gesturing with her hands to her mouth.

Sitting down behind the counter, she takes a sip from her cup of tea. Her face is glowing with fulfillment.

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Total Eclipse Of My Site

Yup! My site is currently experiencing a total eclipse. Anything that's not illuminated will be invisible without some kinds of lighting.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime (of this blog) phenomenon. If you're lucky enough to bear witness to it - Good On You!

If you can read this and know what's going on with my site - Bravo!

Don't worry. Everything will be back to normal as soon as I put up my next post - hopefully - soon.


* When the eclipse happened:-




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Here I Go Again!

It was pitch dark, as midnight should be. The air was cool, as an operative air-conditioning unit should provide. The only thing to focus on in the darkness was the screen in front, as a good movie should be viewed. Against the backdrop of rippling water, a sweet voice sang, and I was instantly captivated, as a beautiful song should mersmerise. And my journey to a fun, enjoyable movie began - Mamma Mia!

Although the volume was turned to the top for maximum enjoyment, my seven-years-old son was sleeping soundly next to me, unperturbed throughout the movie.

The screen was slightly wider than thirteen inches, no more than two feet away and the sound reached me through a pair of earbuds, in my bedroom. That's where and when I first watched Mamma Mia! - on a computer in DVD, when everybody's asleep, a few months after its theatrical release.

As much as I wanted to, I didn't catch the movie in the cinema, because my wife is not a fan of ABBA and I didn't want to crack my head explaining how a person can have three possible fathers to my two young children. So I waited for the DVD.

I didn't know about Mamma Mia the musical before the movie premier and the musical setting foot in Malaysia. I was curious in how they would break into songs and dances in the movie. And when Sophie sang "Honey, Honey ..." amidst a monologue, I felt it was slightly uncanny. But as soon as she went "he's a love machine ... oh he make me dizzy!" shaking her head cheekily, I was head over heel into it. From then on I need no convincing to ride along the fun-filled excursion - the noisy reunion of old friends, the serendipity of strangers' gathering, the lavish monetary fantasy, the butterfly of heartbeat in meeting old flames, the merry singing and dancing of a bunch of women ...



I was singing and dancing silently as I was taken through the familiar ABBA songs, and the sentimental fool of me even had tears in my eyes when the songs reached their climaxes, even in songs like Dancing Queen when the beats resonated so closely to the strings of my heart. When I didn't have tears in my eyes, I was smiling. The only thing I didn't do was break into songs and dances. I was so into it ... until Pierce Brosnan sang with Donna Sheridan.

Pierce Brosnan. Not Sam Carmichael. When the character sang SOS, there was a slight pause in the flow of my thoughts. That's when my mind resurface from the sea of make-belief for a brief moment.

Sam Carmichael talked the way he talks and sang the way he sings. I guess nobody can be critical about it. But when we see Sam Carmichael as Pierce Brosnan, we had expectation. When he leaned against the wall and filled in "When your're gone!" to Donna's, I felt the "awkwardness" and was being critical for a while. But I was quick to fall back into the movie again. Still, I think Brosnan was sweet when he sang "I can't conceal it ..." on one knee in the chapel, and sentimental when he sang "Here's to us, one more toast ..." during dinner. And on subsequent viewing (to date, four times within one month!), I found his singing pleasant, even on SOS, and need no convincing from my parts. And it's easy to watch it over and over again too. What's not to love about Mamma Mia!?

It's a summer romance set on a scenic island, with charming and lovable characters roaming and dancing around the piers, the villa, the beaches; familiar ABBA songs ringing in the air; yachts sailing in the breeze, jeeps roaming on sandy roads; the days were basking in sunshine, blue sky and summer breezes and the night was shrouded in colorful and mysterious veil - a perfect place for a romantic escape. It was easy to be captivated by the freedom in the air, the beauty of the island, the charms of Donna, Tanya, Rosie, Sophie, Sam, Bill and Harry, and of course the wonderful ABBA songs - it was engrossing.

In fact, I was so engrossed with the movie the first time I watched it, my awareness was totally swept away. I didn't notice that the name of the place was Villa Donna; I didn't notice when Donna had a drill in her hand before she went "Down boy! Down boy!"; I didn't realise what's Harry wake-up call was; I didn't catch all the gay-indicative moments of Harry; I didn't realize "Aphrodite" is the word that was heard when the water sprouted from the cracked ground towards the ending ... and I guess I'll find more details over my repeated viewing of the movie. And I will be watching it over and over again, until my crush over it tapers off.

In retrospect, I was probably right in waiting for the DVD too, or else I would have a really hard time in controlling myself from dancing in the cinema and looking like a fool in front of the public.

"Honey, honey, how you thrill me, uh-ha ... Honey, honey ..."


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How Can I Resist?

One would have thought that at my ripe-old-soon-to-be-senile age of 40+, I would be way too old to have a crush; my heart would be as still as mirrors barring any ripples of any sorts breaking its calm and peace. But a crush I did have. And my, my, how it rippled.

I wasn't unprepared before the fated encounter. I have heard of the thrill and the dizziness. But I would very much like to know some more with my own experience, for I've yearned for another romantic fling of the kind long enough. But no anticipation would have prepared me well enough for the hold I found myself in.

The encounter totally blew me away, or rather, suck me in endless.

I was enchanted from the very first instance. Like sand slipping through my fingers, I suddenly lose control, and there's a fire within my soul that was rekindled and spread wild and crazy. It was dancing me to the top of my emotion and singing me to the deep of my passion. Like bowing before a dazzling queen, my heart was being commanded to beat fast on the highs and wrench tight on the lows at the majestic gestures. The way that I was touched, the way that I was held, I was wrapped so tight, I held my breath during most of the time. And how I was teased. As time passed, I found myself involved deeper and deeper into the romances, flowing helplessly with the tide.

It didn't dawn on me at that times, but after it ended, for days I couldn't shake off the honey-sweetness I felt in my heart. Like honey, the music of the songs we sang, the poetries of the dances we danced were sticking onto the wall of my imagination all day. And the longing feeling to be reunited again put butterfly into my heartbeat. It was then that I realized I had caught something that had not happened since my teenage years - I was daydreaming. I have had a crush.

It's almost like a dream that I've had eons ago coming back to me. I was sent back to the exuberant and hot-blooded days of my adolescent, easily captivated by the presence of beauty. I was made to feel alive by a mere thought, my mind was sending out signals of SOS from the grips it was held captive. One look into the spell I was in, the bells would start ringing and my mind would forget everything and lose itself into the whirlwind of sweet sensation again. I couldn't shake the smile off my face, and felt like dropping everything in my hands and run for our next rendezvous. I really couldn't, and wouldn't make up my mind to make it come to an end.

I was enjoying the feeling of a crush once again.

When all is said and done, I just want to express my feeling in a way that I could - thank you for the music, for giving it to me, and laying all your love on me too. This was the Waterloo to the army of my dreary days.

Oh no, Mamma Mia! Here I go again. No super trouper can save me now ...

My chiquitita, come thrills me again.

Gimme music, gimme dancing, gimme ABBA!






Here I go again!

One would have thought that at my ripe-old-soon-to-be-senile age of 40+, I would be way too old to have a crush; my heart would be as still as mirrors barring any ripples of any sorts breaking its calm and peace. But a crush I did have. And my, my, how it rippled.

I wasn't unprepared before the fated encounter. I have heard of the thrill and the dizziness. But I would very much like to know some more with my own experience, for I've yearned for another romantic fling of the kind long enough. But no anticipation would have prepared me well enough for the hold I found myself in.

The encounter totally blew me away, or rather, suck me in endless.

I was enchanted from the very first instance. Like sand slipping through my fingers, I suddenly lose control, and there's a fire within my soul that was rekindled and spread wild and crazy. It was dancing me to the top of my emotion and singing me to the deep of my passion. Like bowing before a dazzling queen, my heart was being commanded to beat fast on the highs and wrench tight on the lows at the majestic gestures. The way that I was touched, the way that I was held, I was wrapped so tight, I held my breath during most of the time. And how I was teased. As time passed, I found myself involved deeper and deeper into the romances, flowing helplessly with the tide.

It didn't dawn on me at that times, but after it ended, for days I couldn't shake off the honey-sweetness I felt in my heart. Like honey, the music of the songs we sang, the poetries of the dances we danced were sticking onto the wall of my imagination all day. And the longing feeling to be reunited again put butterfly into my heartbeat. It was then that I realized I had caught something that had not happened since my teenage years - I was daydreaming. I have had a crush.

It's almost like a dream that I've had eons ago coming back to me. I was sent back to the exuberant and hot-blooded days of my adolescent, easily captivated by the presence of beauty. I was made to feel alive by a mere thought, my mind was sending out signals of SOS from the grips it was held captive. One look into the spell I was in, the bells would start ringing and my mind would forget everything and lose itself into the whirlwind of sweet sensation again. I couldn't shake the smile off my face, and felt like dropping everything in my hands and run for our next rendezvous. I really couldn't, and wouldn't make up my mind to make it come to an end.

I was enjoying the feeling of a crush once again.

When all is said and done, I just want to express my feeling in a way that I could - thank you for the music, for giving it to me, and laying all your love on me too. This was the Waterloo to the army of my dreary days.

Oh no, Mamma Mia! Here I go again. No super trouper can save me now ...

My chiquitita, come thrills me again.

Gimme music, gimme dancing, gimme ABBA!


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Life's A Bitch

Life's a bitch. Or an elephant. Or an ostrich. A rhino? A phoenix? A dragon? Dinosaur? Unicorn???

Life can be anything you want it to be. You just need to know how to ride it.

And you do need to know how to ride it, because there's no way to get rid of it and waking up and feeling like shit is definitely not the way to live.

That's why I prefer a weekend-break over a vacation-break anytime.

Life sucks by nature in absolute. The trick is to turn the absolute into relative - the all-familiar half-empty-half-full mentality. There is enough said about that.

With a shift in our angle and perspective, it's not that difficult to attain the half-full outlook. But look at the glass long enough, half-full will slowly become less-half-full, and then less-half-full will slowly become lesser-half-full. Heck, how can it not? Evaporation is the cause. But I digress.

The more difficult trick is in the maintenance - of the optimal mentality, not of the water level.

Humans are greedy and lazy by nature, for good and for bad. Greed and laziness got us light bulbs, trains, aeroplanes, automobiles, mobile phones, and other conveniences. But greed and laziness also got us dissatisfaction, complaints, angers, violence, etc. The difference? Greed and laziness as a starting point against greed and laziness as an end.

Greed and laziness are evils by their own. We need ingenuity, creativity and the willingness to satisfy the greed and laziness to turn the negatives into positives. Can you imagine a world without light bulbs? Sure, we might have a greener earth today, but without the trains, the aeroplanes, the automobiles, the mobile phones? That's probably one unthinkable state we would rather not be in. And who would ... oops, sidetracked again. But humans are inherently easily distracted too.

Let the status quo of optimism lasts a tad too long, and our greed and laziness will penetrate our feeble wall of concentration and start to wreak havoc in our mind. True to its physical attributes, a half-empty glass will only remain as half-full for so long.

Therefore, unless you are a pure optimist by birth, optimism needs practices, foresight and hard works too.

The only constant is change. A colorful life is a life with ups and downs, ins and outs, back and forth, yin and yang - in essence, contrasts. A life with no contrast is called - a death. A seasoned optimist will know how to adjust his heart according to his changing environment to achieve a perfect balance. A more complete optimist will know how to anticipate the forthcoming changes and sustain a perfect balance. A master optimist will maintain a perfect balance indefinitely regardless of the environment. But then again, a master optimist would probably belong to a mental institution.

For us mere mortals, we can only scream and shout as life takes us on a roller-coastal ride. After having gone through the cycle frequent enough, we'll start to get the hang of it. Change our angle and perspective slightly according to the twists and turns and we'll start to groove with the cycle. We would probably still scream and shout, but in joys. As the ride gets smoother, life gets sweeter. But we can't get lazy. Slack it out too long, it'll come back and bite us.

That's why a weekend-break would be just nice. Long enough to refresh, and short enough to prevent straying from the groove.

That's also why I dislike vacation. Sure, a vacation will be fun. It'll be enjoyable. I can have the times of my life. But it's also long enough to leave my groove in life bent and crooked when it ends. It's always tough to get into the groove of life again after a vacation, especially an enjoyable vacation. Life always feels like shit at the stage where vacation ends, and life resumes. You'll have to retake another strenuous session of questions and answers to adjust your perspective of life to get back into the groove.

As of today, four weeks after my last vacation, I'm still trudging through my questions and answers session somewhere along the half way mark. And it looks like before I finish the session, life will stay bitchy too.


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